Repercussions
I am divorcing my husband after nine years of marriage. We had problems for years, which worsened after he had an affair. 
I knew months ago I was no longer happy and tried to work on the marriage, but it was pretty much one-sided.
Four months ago I slept with someone. I knew I couldn't have done it if I was still in love with my husband so I decided to end the marriage. I have chosen not to tell him because it would only cause pain to him and my children.
I am very nervous because I confided in my cousin and don't feel confident she will keep this secret. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want anyone to hurt any more than they already do, and I am filled with regret and guilt.
Lena
Lena, in the movie "Mulholland Falls," a Los Angeles detective named Max Hoover solves a difficult murder case and along the way cheats on his wife. The final scene of the movie is not about the crime. It shows Max's wife turning to him and saying "You broke my heart," as she leaves him forever.
Infidelity can do that, break whatever love you had left for the other person. It is a bell that cannot be unrung. You proved that to yourself when you slept with another man. You know you could not have done it if you still loved your husband. The reverse is also true. Your husband could not have loved you if he cheated on you, and that is where this all started.
Dealing with your cousin is like dealing with a blackmailer. You can't trust her not to tell and telling her took your secret out of your hands. It was another bell that cannot be unrung. The way to deal with a blackmailer is to tell first. That's the only way to regain control.
If you think you can safely talk to your husband, it might be along these lines. I am being honest with you out of respect. You ended the marriage when you cheated. It ended my feelings for you. Don't think we can patch this up, or if I had only forgiven you, things would be different. All we can do now is look to the welfare of the children.
When your husband cheated it ended the marriage. You jumped a step on your way to divorce. That's all. Guilt and regret will disappear as you chart a new and better course for yourself.
Wayne & Tamara
Endless Loop
My wife and I have been together six years and last month we got married. Before we married I cheated by texting this girl. My wife went through my phone and found that out, but we stayed together.
So last year I find out she is having sex with the brother of a coworker. She tells me she is just getting even with me for texting this girl. So we decide to stay together and change our numbers and no more Facebook.
Yesterday at my mom's wedding I go through her phone and find out she met this guy at her job and they have been texting for weeks. I confront her and she tells me she doesn't know what I do at work, so that's why she was talking to him. What do I do?
Bruce
Bruce, our favorite definition of infinity is this. Infinity is everything you can think of, plus one more thing.
There is no end to infinity. Like infinity, you two have been going back and forth, tit for tat, with no end in sight. You both act as if you are dating, and dating in a non-exclusive way.
The main problem with your relationship is the marriage license. Throw that out and neither of you is doing anything wrong. You can make this relationship right by ending it.
Wayne & Tamara
Send letters to:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com, or Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield MO 65801.
