Spoiled The Child
My boyfriend is gentle and kind, loving and respectful. Ninety-eight percent of the time everything is perfect. Once in awhile his temper flares. Then he curses, screams, and throws things.
He never harms me, but it is scary. I don't know what to do to calm him down. He suggested talking to his mother, which I did, but she used to just leave and take a walk. We are talking marriage, but I don't want to consider children with him if his anger isn't controlled.
Evette
Evette, your boyfriend's mother walked away from his anger, and that did two things. It reinforced his problem, and it prevented him from having to do anything about it. You, as an adult woman, are afraid. Magnify that fear by a hundred, and you'll understand what effect his anger will have on a child.
If he doesn't show anger in public or at work, that proves it can be controlled. There are many books and short courses on anger management. Insist he seek help and don't consider marriage until you see tangible evidence the help has worked. There is a price for marrying you, beyond love and honor, and this is the price.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of November 7, 2005)
The Words To Say
I'm 22 years of age and Native American. Blackfeet is my tribe and band. To be frank, I am in prison for violent offenses, two convictions for felony assault. I am interested in female pen pals. How do I go about answering the "why are you in prison" questions.
I've struggled to keep my hands off other people's flesh, and in my whole life I never bruised or slapped a woman. Quite honestly, I'm proud of this. I totally regret my intolerance of another man's mouth, and I've worked on this vigorously with all the commitment I can muster.
I've changed, yes, but still have a convict's way of thinking, so you see I'm struggling with this. I have trouble with a man's mouth, but not a woman's. How do I go about writing my crimes down and still keep the young ladies interested?
Leland
Leland, years ago Wayne worked on a research project at a hospital treating alcoholics. All of the counselors were themselves recovered alcoholics. When Wayne asked how they became involved in this work, they invariably began by saying, "I'm a drunk."
You hit people. You hit out of anger, and you hit because of what they say. You let a few syllables from another man's mouth affect you so much you attack them with fists or a weapon. That is what you did, and you need to say it.
You want us to give you the words to say, but to say anything other than the blatant truth is to deceive yourself. Don't use fancy terms. Don't sugarcoat it. If you minimize your actions to others, you will fail to acknowledge your problem to yourself.
People often say unconscious things to us in their letters. Their deep self wants help even though their top self asks about something else. What troubles your deep self is that you are developing a convict's way of thinking. Your deep self fears you will lose your freedom permanently.
An acquaintance of Wayne's shared your problem. After being paroled from prison, he got a good job, bought a car, and found a woman to share his life with. But six months later he drove through a stoplight and refused to pull over for a police car. At the end of a high-speed chase, he assaulted five police officers.
That is what you fear. People with a convict's way of thinking know they fit in best in prison. The counselors Wayne knew had to hit bottom before they could embrace their problem, know it every single moment of the day, and change. Leland, how far are you from hitting bottom?
Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 18, 2002)
© 1996-2011 Wayne & Tamara Mitchell
Privacy Policy / Terms of Service
