Unlawful Search
I need someone to give me an honest answer, so when I saw your column in the paper, I thought maybe I can unload what I have on my mind. I live in a small community and work for my father. Several weeks ago I was looking for change to purchase water for the crew, and I know my dad keeps loose change in his desk. As I was looking, I saw a notebook.
I know it was none of my business, but what I discovered was a listing of dates and money paid, with some initials and remarks written beside the money amounts. As I was going downtown I tried to figure out what it all meant. Then it came to me. He was having an affair. I couldn't believe it, so when I returned to work I photocopied the book and took it home to try to figure it out.
Ever since I've had a sick feeling, can't sleep, and can't even look at him anymore. My parents have been married for 39 years, and from what I figure, he's been paying for sex for seven of those years. My mother would never discover this because she doesn't drive and him being late has been a way of life for as long as I can remember.
She is a stay-at-home wife who waits for him, cleans for him, and always has a hot meal waiting for him no matter what. She has sacrificed her life for him, and for what? A cheating husband?
Do I say anything to my Dad? I would never say anything to my mother because I know it would devastate her. My point is I have information that could change my family forever, and a time bomb waiting to happen when and if his mistress decides to spill the beans.
Vesta
Vesta, when someone is being hurt by a cheater, we typically say go ahead and tell. But our usual advice doesn't apply here for three reasons. You may be misinterpreting the notations in the notebook; you won't tell your mother under any circumstances; and after seven years this time bomb is likely to be a dud.
Sometimes the law embodies a wisdom which can be applied to daily life, and that is the case here. You invaded your father's privacy when you searched his desk. One legal principle which applies to searches is called the elephant in the matchbox. It means if the police are looking for an elephant, they can't look for it in your matchbox. You had no reason to look for coins in your father's notebook and no right to photocopy what you found.
Another principle of law--one which applies to evidence--is called the fruit of a poisonous tree. That principle says evidence gained through an illegal search can't be used in court. Since the tree is poisoned, all its fruit is tainted.
What you did is akin to sneaking a look at a diary, peeping into a bathroom stall, or using a pinhole camera to photograph a woman on a tanning bed. It wasn't an honorable act. Although we may find spies useful, we seldom find them honorable.
Perhaps the best thing you can do is examine your own motivation. You mention your long-suffering mother, but we suspect there may also be a long-suffering daughter who sees this as an opportunity to settle an old score with her father. If that is the case, using this information is not the way to do it.
A character in a Stephen King novel says, “Peek not through keyholes, lest ye be vexed.” You did something you should not have done, and vexation is the price for having done it. Keep this information to yourself. If you have issues with your father and employer, then address them directly without using this information to gain the upper hand.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 16, 2006)
Done Bun, Can’t Be Undone
I have been dating this wonderful guy for two months. While he is away on a short trip, I am doggy sitting at his house. Last night I went to send an e-mail from his PC and noticed e-mails to his ex-girlfriend. I read them. A few weeks after we started dating, he was still sending her notes signed “with love” and “thinking of you.” He also met her on two occasions which he didn’t tell me about. In fact, he lied to me about where he was.
He just phoned, and I confronted him. He said he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I don’t know if I can trust him. What do you think?
Pattie
Pattie, a character in a Stephen King novel says, “Peek not through keyholes, lest ye be vexed.” You peeked, and the consequences are vexing.
When you have a relationship, you really have two things. Love and trust. These you must have completely and totally. Anything less and you don’t have them at all. Anything less than love is like, anything less than trust is suspicion.
Both of you violated the trust essential to this relationship. He lied, and you snooped. Look how the future has changed. He can’t say, “I never lied to you.” You can’t say, “Trust me.”
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 13, 2000)
Inner Demons
My boyfriend and I met in a strange place under strange circumstances, and I thought he was "the one" as soon as I met him. We go to different colleges, and while visiting me one day last year, he stayed in my room while I was in class.
I came home to find him very upset. He questioned me about things he could only know if he read my diary. He wouldn't admit he spied on me, and I kept lying while he interrogated me. Finally, he confessed but said he could never trust me again because I lied to him.
We got through that, spent Christmas in Madrid, New Years in Monaco, and spring break in Florida. We fought on all three occasions. He is a jealous person with low self-esteem which makes him question why anyone would love him. He gets angry when guys talk to me and wants me to cut all ties to old boyfriends.
Yesterday I learned he got into my email account and read my messages. Two of the messages were from guys I dated. The first is someone I was afraid died in the World Trade Center attack. He has a serious girlfriend and we are just friends. The second man is too old for me and of a different religion.
When I learned my boyfriend broke into my email, we fought. I would never do such a thing to him, and it all started because he invaded my privacy again. I plan to change my passwords and keep personal things personal. Can I save this relationship, or should I let it go?
Fran
Fran, even if your life was an open book, your boyfriend would probe and probe until he found something to satisfy his inner demon, jealousy. There is no room for personal privacy in a relationship with a jealous person.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did you lie to keep him, or did he make a liar of you when he invaded your privacy? You couldn't tell him the truth and keep him, so you lied. There is no way to circumvent jealousy. That's an issue for him to face after you've told him goodbye.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 26, 2001)
© 1996-2012 Wayne & Tamara Mitchell
Privacy Policy / Terms of Service
