Just Deserts
My partner and I have been together 10 years. We own our own home, so obviously our credit is joined. Both individually and together we have always had excellent credit; we are never late with a payment and never overextended.
We recently found out my partner’s sister fraudulently opened up credit accounts using my partner’s name without her knowledge or approval. This sister has racked up $11,000 in debt and is way behind in payments. We found this out because we were denied credit. Prior to this our credit score was at the top of the chart.
We notified our local police, filed a report, alerted credit bureaus and other agencies. The police advised us to alert the local police in the state where her sister lives in order to further pursue the identity theft.
Herein lies the problem. Her sister, an adult in her middle 30s with a good-paying job, still resides at home with her parents. Her father is employed with law enforcement in the area and also is considering running for mayor of the town. Both her parents are very active in the local Catholic church.
Out of respect we approached her father before going to the local police. As it turns out, this is not the first time her sister has done this. She has a long history of poor financial decisions and deceptions, including doing almost the same thing to her parents. She is also a pathological liar.
My partner is torn about what to do. If she does not go to the police, this fraudulent information will stay on her credit history for 10 years. If we pursue the identity theft, my partner will be the “bad guy” for turning in her sister. Her father does not want her to pursue this because he wants to protect his daughter from prosecution.
I say her father should be concerned about protecting the daughter who has always done the right thing and to uphold the law, even if it is his own daughter who has done wrong. What do you advise?
Mallory
Mallory, the motto of many law enforcement agencies is “protect and serve.” Your partner’s father wants to protect and serve himself and the perpetrator of a crime, not the victim of the crime and the community at large. He believes it is okay to send someone else’s daughter, brother, or sister to jail, but not his own.
The term identity theft makes this crime sound like dressing up for Halloween or using a fake id to get into a bar, but it amounts to grand theft, embezzlement, robbery, and fraud. Ideally your partner could handle this as a mental health issue and get restitution as well as help for her sister. Practically speaking that isn’t going to happen.
Your partner’s sister holds all the power and always will, unless something is done. Victimizing her sibling doesn’t make the crime less, it makes it worse. A crime against a person we have a bond with adds another level to the betrayal, and adults well into their 30s need to live in accordance with adult rules.
Think about the idea of the “bad guy.” This kind of bad guy is bad only to those trying to ladle guilt onto a person who acts responsibly. This kind of bad guy is bad only to those seeking to be immune from the consequences of their actions. This kind of bad guy becomes bad only by allowing herself to become a coconspirator in a cover-up which will harm others at a later date.
Living in accordance with reality, rather than with appearances, simplifies life marvelously. Sometimes in life you have to be the bad guy. If your partner’s sister ever gets the mental health help she needs, it’s more likely to come from butting against the legal system than from being sheltered from it.
Wayne and Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 9, 2007)
Funny Business
I am so confused. I have been dating a man for almost two years. He says he loves me, but I find out through others he says we are not really together, just dating.
We have broken up several times because he has other women friends he does things with. He has lied to me to spend time with them. A few times he had one spend the night. I don't know if anything is going on.
I feel cheated because he should be committed to only me, and if he doesn't want that, he should tell me. When we break up, he calls and says he is sorry and wants us to be married. Is he using me when no one else is around? I should be number one in his life and I'm not.
Heidi
Heidi, every year in the "Peanuts" comic strip, Lucy promised to hold a football for Charlie Brown to kick. Every year Charlie would charge at the ball. At the last instant Lucy would pull the ball away, and Charlie Brown would crash down on his backside.
Fooled again. If Lucy ever told him she wasn't going to let him kick the football, the game would be over. Lucy would never be able to get Charlie flat on his back again. For the same reason, this man is never going to tell you what he really thinks.
You need to break up with this man one final time. When he calls with the bogus offer of marriage, tell him to meet you at the jeweler's. Explain to him that after he pays for the rings in full, the two of you will be going to the newspaper to place the engagement announcement.
To make the honeymoon extra special, tell him you plan to abstain from intimacy until after the wedding. When the line goes dead, you will have your answer. Then you will be free to find the man who wants you to be number one all the time.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of July 23, 2001)
Better Left Unsaid
On September 11th we all shared a terrible event in our lives. For me it was twofold. I thought I was happily married up until that day.
My wife is a nurse and emergency medical technician. The morning planes crashed into the World Trade Center she called me from work, and I told her what was happening. After she got off the phone she called her fire chief and volunteered to go with an ambulance to New York City.
I wanted her to stay home with us. I feared for her safety and wanted my family close together. We have two children, nearly grown, and I am disabled. She called me back to say she had volunteered. I picked her up at work, and we argued.
My wife and I up until that day never had any serious problems. We fought through our problems and became stronger people for it. During our argument I begged her not to go. I said, "Don't you care about us any more? Don't you care about me?" She paused for a moment, then said, "No, I don't. There, I said it."
I was floored. She packed a bag and left. Three days later she had an apartment. She told the kids she did not love me and hasn't loved me for years. She only stayed because it was comfortable. I cannot work, but I got up with her every morning, made her lunch every day, and cared for the house.
We are dating now, a judge awarded me child support, but she shows no willingness to come home. I want a divorce to protect myself from being hurt again, yet my heart says stay with it until she comes home, which she will never do.
Clarence
Clarence, in moments of high emotion we act from our gut. There isn't time for guile. For a long time you feared the imbalance in your relationship. Your wife was both breadwinner and caregiver. Shock made you voice your deepest fear, shock made her voice her deepest feelings.
You told your wife to forget her job and duties. In effect, you said, "What about me!" It gave her an opening to answer you in kind. When two parties conceal their fears and true feelings, pressure keeps building for their eventual release. When the opportunity for honesty comes, the truth will come out, concise and cruel.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 4, 2002)
Wrong Number
A good friend stood me up one night, and I changed plans for him. I got mad and prank called him about four times on my cell phone. He will ask me why I did this. What do I respond? I am thinking of lying and making up some story or changing my cell phone number. What should I do?
Kim
Kim, you had good reason to be angry, and there is nothing wrong with the honest, appropriate expression of anger. You might have gone to a driving range and driven golf balls until you vented your feelings, or thrown darts at a dart board, or kneaded bread dough until you felt the anger subsiding.
But you didn't. You took out your feelings in a way which was directed at the person who deliberately stood you up. Don't lie or change your cell phone number. Let your friend know it was you, and why you did what you did.
It would have been better to speak to your friend directly, but when we are upset, we often don't take the wisest course. However, I would not apologize. When you apologize, you minimize what he did and make it more acceptable.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 18, 2002)
The Life Of A Double Agent
Okay, I know what I’m about to say sounds bad, but I could really use a nonjudgmental opinion, so please be gentle on me.
Here’s the deal: I’m 24 and have been married for a year to a great guy. Problem is, I am having an affair. This is not the first time I have cheated on him. I dated someone seriously while he was working overseas. I thought after we got married my infidelity would cease, but I recently met someone and it started all over again.
I love my husband, but I just can’t help thinking if I really loved him, I wouldn’t do such things.
The guy I am seeing is a lot like my husband: smart, handsome, ambitious, with a great sense of humor. He tells me he is falling in love with me. I have very strong feelings for him too, although I can’t quite put a label on them yet.
My husband doesn’t know about the last affair, and of course he doesn’t know yet about this one.
What is wrong with me? Why do I do such relationship-risking things? My husband and I do not have a bad marriage. We get along great and he loves me very much. Somehow, it just isn’t enough.
I would sincerely appreciate your advice. I can’t talk to anyone I know about this so I’m turning to you. What should I do?
Veronica
Veronica, of course you can’t talk to anyone. You’re a double agent. Deception, schemes, subterfuge, and covert action are part of your daily life. No one knows who you really are. To be a successful double agent you can’t be loyal to anyone, not even yourself. How else could you live this life?
It’s time to get out of the espionage business and find a country you can love and be loyal to. Your letter is not only a letter of resignation, but a request for help to make the transition to a better life.
Two lies are holding you where you are. You say you and your husband don’t have a bad marriage, and you say your husband loves you very much. Your husband doesn’t know who you are. He loves who you pretend to be when you are with him, the lies you tell him, and the secrets you keep. He doesn’t know you married him with only a hope marriage would make you faithful.
Without truth, trust, fidelity, and love there is no marriage. Marriage is for two people who bind themselves to each other, excluding all others, for the rest of their lives. How is this possible? Because each knows this is the person I am absolutely myself with, the person who puts all others out of mind.
With the right person, you don’t lose yourself, you become fully yourself. With this person you can accomplish miracles. When you feel these feelings for another, when another has these feelings for you, that is love. That is the basis for marriage.
Veronica, it doesn’t matter what your parents did, what your childhood was like, or what you are trying to reenact. You can’t change the past but you can let the past ruin your future. You know what you are doing is wrong, and no excuse will overcome that knowledge.
This sense of what is right and what is wrong is your beginning. It is what will keep you from making the same mistake again and again. It is your ticket to a new life.
To stop living this life of lies, you must take whatever comes from telling the truth. You cannot make excuses, minimize, or try to deflect any of what may come because of what you have done. It sounds like bitter medicine. But continuing the life you are leading now is far more painful.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 23, 1999)
The Quality Of Mercy
I am Ali from Pakistan, and I need your help on a weird issue. First, let me tell you something about me. I am a student of information technology. I am not from a rich family, but our family is a respected one. When I turned 20, I left my family for studies in computer science. Okay, now here started the problem.
I used to use the Internet as a resource for knowledge, but two years ago I got free time and started chatting online. I am not very good talking to girls, at least maybe not to the sharp ones. I do not know the exact reason, but one can be that I am a little shy and can't talk the talk.
I met a girl online, and we shared a lot. At least, I did. But I lied to her. Out of nowhere, though, I was in love with her. I told her some mushy lines because it was hurting to think of her not in my life. Then I told her I lied to her. It was a difficult time because she was so angry, but I finally managed to get her mercy. Is she really okay with me? How do we go back to our old chat sessions we both used to enjoy?
Ali
Ali, Mark Twain said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have anything to remember." You also don't have anything to apologize for or explain away. You may have gained her mercy, but what is the quality of her mercy?
How do you go back to the old familiarity and trust, when that was interwoven with lies? You wonder how you would feel if she lied to you. Probably, you would still doubt her.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 5, 2004)
Familiar Territory
My friends, Nick and Elisabeth, are married but live separately. She's away at school, and he works here. They've been together eight years, married for three. To all appearances their relationship is happy and healthy.
Elisabeth is one of the most wonderful people I know. Nick is interesting, funny, but a bit sleazy, and I'm not nearly as close with him.
Three years ago, Nick came on to me in a very physical way. I was shocked. He had always been flirtatious, but he flirts with everyone. I told him to back off and left in a hurry.
I spent weeks agonizing over whether I should tell Elisabeth. Finally, he told her. She was devastated and almost dumped him. He proposed. To make a long story short, they got over it and married.
For the past couple of years, things have been great. Elisabeth and I got closer, and I rarely saw Nick alone. Since she left, Nick has been lonely, and since his office is close to mine, we occasionally have lunch.
Things have been fine for ages, so last night when he called to ask if I needed company, I said yes. He hugged me when he came in, and put his arm around me while we watched TV. As the evening progressed, he got cuddlier. He brushed my breast as if by accident, and I didn't know what to say.
Each time I returned to the couch, he pulled me close though I resisted. He stood behind me while I washed dishes, put his hand around my waist, and pressed himself up against me. Several times he ran his hands over my bum when I bent down and "accidentally" brushed my pubic area a couple of times as well.
I thought the physical signals I was giving were clear, but I couldn't bring myself to make a scene. Finally I asked him to leave.
Today I feel extremely angry, at myself and him. I should have slapped his hand, yelled, and shoved him out the door. I am not in the least bit attracted to this man, and he is my best friend's husband!
Do I tell Elisabeth? Do I keep my mouth shut, risking that he will cheat and she won't find out until they have kids, or she contracts some disease? I don’t think she will blame me. I did nothing wrong.
Cassandra
Cassandra, your namesake in Greek mythology was blessed with the gift of foreseeing the future, but cursed because no one believed her.
How can you tell Elisabeth? If you conceal the details, she can brush this off as another harmless flirtation. If you reveal the details so you are believed, Elisabeth will feel they implicate you even more than her husband.
The first time a woman is touched in an unwelcome, sexual manner she says stop, she says no, she leaves the area. Why didn't you do what you did once before with this very same man? Elisabeth will demand the answer to that question.
Whatever you choose to do, your relationship with these two is over. That part of the future is perfectly clear.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of June 18, 2001)
Honest Intentions
A few months ago I lost track of my brother and had to call his friend, who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in five years. The last time I talked to him, I was 15 and he was 20. Even then he treated me like a friend, not his friend’s little sister.
My brother’s friend was overwhelmed with joy when he heard who it was. (I’m a woman now.) We exchanged e-mail addresses and have been e-mailing every day since. We talk about everything.
Next month I will be visiting the city where he lives, so last week I casually asked him if he had a girlfriend. He replied indirectly, so I asked him straight out. He said he did and was curious to know why I asked. The reason? I planned to pursue him when I got into town, ask him to dinner, and catch up on things.
It seems odd to me someone can joke, talk about really heart-wrenching things, and never even mention he has a girlfriend. Is he trying to hide his girlfriend from me? Or is this something guys don’t mention until after they’ve mentioned their dogs, trucks, and sinus infections.
What should I do now?
Kim
Kim, did your brother’s friend intentionally conceal his girlfriend? Absolutely. As topics of male conversation, women rank way ahead of sinus infections. He is intrigued and flattered by your interest, and afraid that mentioning a girlfriend would discourage contact.
Two out of three isn’t bad. If you want to invite your friend to dinner and catch up on old times, there is nothing wrong with that. If your primary aim is pursuit, don’t do it. Intruding in relationships is never a good idea. The honesty that got the truth from him, is the same honesty you must use when deciding what you will do now.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of December 20, 1999)
© 1996-2011 Wayne & Tamara Mitchell
Privacy Policy / Terms of Service
