Mental illness affects a person's thinking, emotions and ability to relate to others. It cannot be overcome by will power, but many effective treatments are available.
The place to begin is with a correct diagnosis. People with the expertise to help include: medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, therapists, and social workers.
Rebecca Woolis has written a helpful book listing many resources.
A Fighting Chance
It seems no matter how hard I try, my life is never on the right track. Depression seems to run in my family. I've read so many self-help books, seen counselors and taken medications, but I always fall back into the same pattern.
It's almost like I fear success. I'm 25, went to university, but dropped out just before graduation. For four years I was in a relationship with an alcoholic drug user. After we broke up he passed away from an overdose. He kept asking me to get back together, so I feel bad about his death.
I now live in a small town. There's nothing here for me, but it's where my current rude boyfriend lives. I go away to Toronto every couple of weeks and model. People say I have real potential.
I feel lonely, but I can't leave or I'll have no one at all. When I first moved here, I thought I would feel safe, but now I'd rather live in a big city even though the thought scares me. Thank you for listening.
Lyndsey
Lyndsey, when you have a nail sticking out of your foot, you can take a medication to cope with the pain, but that only solves part of the problem. The nail has to come out. In the same way, if there is a biological or genetic cause of depression, taking medication solves part of the problem. But you still have to live in a productive way.
Having no one, in comparison to your past boyfriends, is a step up. A drug addict isn't any kind of boyfriend, and neither is a man who puts you down. They are worse than having no one because they take even yourself away.
In The Artist's Way Julia Cameron talks as much about life as about art. She says, "Leap, and the net will appear!" You have contacts in Toronto. Go there. By yourself. If medication helps when you feel down, get it. Surround yourself with vibrant people who make you feel light and positive. Negative people are more than capable of destroying the benefits of medication, counseling, and your own inner light.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 10, 2003)
Fact Or Fiction
My husband ran away from home, cavorted with a younger woman he knew for three weeks, moved to another city, cashed in all his retirement money, and ended up in a psychiatric hospital in the rubber room. All this madness was diagnosed as bipolar disorder with psychosis. Recommendation: medication for life and the diligent care of a headshrinker.
I have the urge to get even. I feel this was intentional even though the doctor tells me he was manic with impaired distorted thinking and delusions. He is responding well to medication. Have you any input from other people enduring affairs as a result of mental incompetence?
Elise
Elise, you are angry at your husband's betrayal, so it's perfectly normal to feel the urge to get even. But on a scale of one to 10, that response would be a zero. Having sex with another man, or doing something else to hurt your husband, only degrades you. If you cheat back on a cheater, all it does is vindicate them and what they have done.
We suggest you look into the question of whether your husband has a mental illness. There are three areas to explore: firsthand accounts, specific advice about this disorder, and general advice for families. Let us suggest a book in each category.
Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychologist, suffers from bipolar illness. In An Unquiet Mind she describes how wonderful the manic phase feels: you feel you can do anything, shyness vanishes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there. When she was manic, Jamison maxed out her credit cards and jumped from moving cars, but when her rage subsided, she fell into the blackest holes of the mind.
In The Bipolar Survival Guide
David Miklowitz offers specific advice to patients and their families, while Rebecca Woolis' When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness offers help in understanding your husband's bizarre behavior. Woolis also explores that sense of injustice you feel.
Decide for yourself if your husband's actions are the actions of someone genuinely ill. If you believe he is not ill, you can decide to leave. If you believe he is ill, you must decide how to manage his illness while protecting yourself.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 29, 2005)
Weathering The Storm
Hi, you two. I'm a borderline personality in recovery for the last four years. I go in for my occasional mental health check-up, stay in the community of good friends, and regularly struggle to do the right thing.
I keep getting the same feedback from my closest friends, that I do things without thinking. How can I stop this and keep this tendency under control?
Ingrid
Ingrid, one property of ships is righting moment. Righting moment refers to how far a ship can go over on its side and still return upright. People are like ships. Storms in life, high winds, or heavy seas can batter us. But if we have a favorable righting moment, we will always return to center.
You have professional help, a community of good friends, and an awareness of your own behavior. You have a favorable righting moment. We wonder (and worry) about some people who write us. Not you. Your hatches are dogged down, you won't sink.
Borderline personality disorder is an ill-defined condition. It is more of a catchall, a collection of things which run together, with the relationship among parts not well understood. It's unrealistic to think something without a discrete cause will have a clear solution.
Experimenting with life, noting what triggers you, reading about and discussing your situation, will in time give you more personal insight. Keep working toward where you want to be. Realize that deep change is very slow. Realize also that changing deeply is worth the effort.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 12, 2001)
Seesaw
I'm a single woman who is intelligent, kind-hearted, and attractive. I recently ended a relationship with a man I'll call Jordan. Jordan slowly moved from wanting to spend every moment with me to "needing some space."
Jordan is bipolar and refuses to seek help, and my attempts to help left him better and me with an hour of sleep. Recently we enjoyed a great afternoon when he invited me to a party. Well, the last time we went to a party, I was basically "left by the punchbowl." When I gently expressed my concern, he screamed, "Get out!" Which I promptly did.
I realize I'm stupid to want anything but to move on, but for curiosity's sake, because it's driving me crazy, what on earth is his problem? We seem to want the same thing, each other, yet he's going back and forth faster than a swing.
Darlene
Darlene, you ask what on earth is his problem. To borrow a phrase from teenagers, "Duh?" He is an unmedicated, bipolar person.
As long as he won't address the problem of his mood swings, there is no place on the swing for you.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 26, 2004)
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