Rites Of Passage
My boyfriend and I have been living together going on 13 years. My mother-in-law--well, she's like my mother-in-law--is manipulative, needy, mean, stingy, selfish, domineering, and jealous. Let's see, how many more adjectives can I think of ? You name it, she's it.
She thinks her only son, my boyfriend, is supposed to be with her 24-7. She calls him constantly, needing something fixed. He's over there two or three times a day trying to please her, but if you give her an inch, she wants a mile. She drives me freaking crazy, if you know what I mean.
If she would leave us alone just one day, I'd be so grateful. The bad thing is I love my boyfriend. We're going to be married soon, but I don't know if I want to sign on for her to be my mother-in-law. She looks like a ragged combination of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and a voodoo queen. With a personality to match.
Deirdre
Deirdre, the poet Robert Bly once remarked that birds store the knowledge of how to find a mate, build a nest, and fly away for the winter in their instinctual brain. But human beings are different. To keep our brains free and flexible for new situations, we store that sort of knowledge in stories, rites, and myth.
Ancient cultures treasured the rituals for cutting the apron strings which bind a boy to his mother. Today, however, those rituals are weak, and when the separation doesn't occur at the proper time, it is likely never to occur. You're so invested in this relationship you feel you cannot leave. Your boyfriend knows this, and that means he has no incentive to undergo the rite of passage to manhood.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 24, 2005)
Bare Bones
My in-laws live 20 yards away. My mother-in-law is in our home every single day. Last Sunday while the children were away, my mother-in-law walked in the door, found my husband walking around nude, and they had a great laugh. She stayed for an hour drinking wine. She knew what she walked into because I told her why we sent the children out.
I begged my husband to move away three years ago. He said for the first time in his life his parents have finally accepted him, so how could he leave? As you can imagine, his parents managed to take away a huge trust fund his grandfather left him.
I support the family, and my mother-in-law says this is how it should be. She says, "The working class has always supported the aristocracy." I am exhausted and feel fat and ugly, though I am not. I realize there is not much you can say other than think of yourself and your children, and get out.
Adeline
Adeline, in Ernest Hemingway's "The Old Man and The Sea," an old fisherman catches a huge fish and lashes it to the side of his skiff. As he sails home, sharks attack and tear off great chunks of flesh. He is powerless to prevent it. By the time he reaches port, there is nothing left of his great fish but the head, bill, and backbone.
Life with an emotionally dependent husband gives you only the skeleton of marriage without the substance of marriage.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of April 7, 2003)
© 1996-2012 Wayne & Tamara Mitchell
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