Nine Lives
My husband of four years has been arrested for the fourth time for hurting me. This time he strangled me. I always go back with him. He is in jail now with no money to post for his own bail.
I thought I loved him, but lately I can't stand his behind. He is unemployed and so possessive it's hard for me to breathe sometimes. He follows me from room to room and, if I'm on the phone, mutes the television so he can listen.
A year ago we separated and I filed for divorce. We reconciled in November and I put the divorce on hold. Last week I called the clerk, and my divorce was put through. I am now divorced from a man who tried to kill me 10 days ago.
Great, right? I am so sad and lonely and feel so bad for him sitting in jail that I can't get my head cleared out. I feel like I have no life other than work. I have no family and few friends.
I feel he hurts me because I argue with him and put him in a corner like a scared animal. He has to strike out at me to defend his manhood. It's hard to explain. And yes, I have begun counseling. Forget him or love him, that is my question.
Tori
Tori, most of us get many chances to change our life, but we don't get an unlimited number of chances. This man may take your last chance away from you.
Like the people held hostage by gunmen in a Stockholm bank 30 years ago, you have begun to identify with your captor. You see the world from his point of view and deny what he is doing to you. Or at least, that is what part of you does.
Another part of you chose to divorce him. That part realizes you have freedom. That part recognizes love is about caring, respect, and admiration which flow back and forth. That part of you knows this man can never give you what you most deeply need.
Now you're like an addict struggling with addiction. Loneliness is weakening your resolve, but you've got to remember the reason for quitting. Stay in counseling. Seek emotional support. Formulate a protection plan.
You have work, not everyone has that. That is something to build on. You have friends, not everyone has that. That is something to build on. You have life, that is something other women in your situation have lost.
Wayne and Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 2, 2002)
Pulling Her Back In
I married after dating a few months, and that was my fault. My ex-husband had a problem with addictions, but I didn't realize the extent of the problem.
After the divorce I wanted to remain friends. I felt guilty for leaving. He never hurt me physically although he would break things when he got angry. Once he slashed my tires in an effort to keep me from leaving him.
In a rage he said I don't understand how much pain he feels. Maybe, he said, if he put a bullet through my head and did the same to my mom, nieces and nephews, I might know his pain.
I'm scared of what his bottom will be. He has lost me, jobs, and his apartment. Still he doesn't want to stop being an addict. I don't know if there is anything I can do to make him seek help. Should I give up?
Sara
Sara, this sounds like a story in the newspaper. The victim's neighbor said, "She told me he threatened to kill her, but she didn't think he would actually do it."
Your ex-husband has crossed a line, the line that separates him from civilized society.
Someone who threatens to kill you does not warrant feelings of guilt. You feel guilty you cannot give him something he doesn't want for himself.
You have been a buffer between him and a hard place. You kept him from getting where he needs to be to change. The addict didn't change, the addiction didn't change, the person acting as a buffer changed. That's why you got out. Now stay out. Completely out.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of May 28, 2001)
© 1996-2012 Wayne & Tamara Mitchell
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