Flash Point
I answered an online personal ad posted by a man in my city. I liked his ad, and his photograph was interesting. After several attempts to meet, we decided to give up. To be honest, I think our interest in each other fizzled at the same time.
Although we didn’t discuss personal information, we did exchange information about where we worked. I noticed from his e-mail address that we both worked in the same industry. Since I work in a huge place, I didn’t think much about divulging the name of my company.
In one e-mail, he mentioned he had friends at my workplace, and they said good things about me. One of the people he talked to was my supervisor. I honestly wasn’t trying to send this man a parting shot, but I did tell him, in a nice way, I didn’t like him asking colleagues about me.
He fired back a venomous two page e-mail. I was shocked. Not wanting to leave things in an uproar, I responded in a gentle, conciliatory way. His response was shorter, but even more vicious. He called me paranoid and neurotic, and warned me against contacting him again.
I know I’ll never divulge my workplace again, but I wonder if I was wrong to tell him how I felt? What is the protocol for a situation like this?
Marcia
Marcia, have you seen the famous Peter Steiner cartoon about the Internet? A dog sits on a chair at a desk, one paw on a computer keyboard. He looks down at a dog on the floor and says, “On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.”
There is only one rule for a woman to follow online: don’t do anything which compromises your safety. As far as you could reasonably expect, you did nothing wrong. If anyone at work mentions this man, laugh it off. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Once he flamed you, you should have left him alone. The wisest strategy for dealing with angry, irrational people is to end contact completely. There is no established protocol for dealing with a situation like this. It’s like going to a football game. You will rub elbows with all kinds of people, from philanthropists to criminals. Evaluate each person on their own merits.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 13, 2000)
Imperfect Match
In November I met a woman on an online dating site, and we hit it right off. She invited me over for dinner and quickly pursued a deep and intimate relationship. She does not work but spends most of her time in a dark apartment, with the blinds closed, sitting in front of a TV. I work a demanding full-time job.
Things weren't perfect, but I was content. In March I took her out of town for a few days. After we got back she asked when we were getting married. I told her I wanted to wait a good year or two so we could fully develop our relationship. She gave me an ultimatum, so I proposed marriage.
As soon as this happened, she tried to pressure me into having a baby with her and buying a house. She is good in some ways like buying me gifts and stocking the refrigerator with things I like, but she never admits when she is wrong, never apologizes, and never works to correct anything. I feel too much is happening too fast. What should I do?
Brian
Brian, for some people, online dating sites are no more than catalog shopping for what they want. You want love. She wants a house and a baby. No matter what the online compatibility test said, you don't have a match. You're not in harmony.
Consider yourself lucky. If she could have concealed her intentions better, you might have ended up married to a woman you cannot live with.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 12, 2006)
Something To Hide
My name is Joy, and I'm 20 years old. In March I met a guy online. He is from Canada. He seems to be a sweet guy and I like him a lot, but some things don't add up. I'm curious he didn't give me his number because he said he did it before and it caused him a lot of pain.
He doesn't have a web camera because he lives at home with his mom, and he said she doesn't want a webcam in her house. Yesterday I e-mailed him and told him it's over because I'm afraid of getting hurt and him turning out to be a serial killer or something.
Joy
Joy, he's probably not a serial killer, but a web camera might catch a glimpse of something he doesn't want you to see, like a wife and children. You did the right thing by ending it. When something feels amiss, trust your feelings.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of July 19, 2004)
A Matter Of Degree
I'm a stay-at-home dad, married with two children. Although things haven't always been great in our marriage, we've worked through them and been mostly happy. Recently a friend introduced me to online chatting. Over the past few months I've chatted with several people, male and female, and had personal chats with a few women in a flirting way.
The women don't live anywhere near, and there was never a chance of this going further. I view my actions as harmless fantasy. My wife recently found out, and she feels I have been unfaithful. She is considering leaving me. The children are the only reason she hasn't.
I agree it was wrong not to have told her, but I consider it harmless fun for my own enjoyment and think of it as my little white lie. I don't agree I have been unfaithful. She says we have different lines of what constitutes decency, and I have clearly crossed over hers. She is well-educated, a Christian, and a physician by trade.
Henry
Henry, your wife is hurt. Chatting with other women makes her feel less of a woman. She feels you are being intimate with these other women. As a medical person, she knows symptoms not dealt with only get worse.
Pictures in a magazine are a fantasy, but it is not fantasy when you interact with real people. Calling what you did a white lie indicates you know it was wrong.
You need to find something else to occupy your mind. We suggest using your computer to start a home-based business. You've been out of the workforce for awhile and that may make it hard to find a job. Once your wife feels a nanny would cause her fewer problems, you may need a way to support yourself.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 23, 2004)
© 1996-2012 Wayne & Tamara Mitchell
Privacy Policy / Terms of Service
