Conflict In Faith
My husband is Jewish, and I am Catholic. That wasn't a problem when we were dating, because he isn't religious. He married a Catholic before, and their daughter was raised Catholic.
A reformed rabbi married us. I sacrificed being married in church by a priest, but we shared our traditions. My husband broke the glass, and we lit our candles. My family wasn't too happy I married outside my faith, but they accept him.
When our daughter was born, I didn't want my children growing up with no direction, so I decided to raise her Catholic. My husband wasn't too happy, but he agreed. His family was invited to the christening, but they refused to have any part of it. I bit my tongue and let it go, but I resented them for not being there.
Four years later we have a son, and it's his turn to be baptized. This time they come to the party, not the church, and they don't bring a gift. So that's another slap in the face. Two months ago our daughter had her first communion. I asked if they wanted to be part of their granddaughter's day, and they said no. So to me that's another slap in the face.
Through the years we celebrated my husband's holidays with his family, and my family went to their bar mitzvahs. My husband agrees with his family that it's okay for them not to be involved, but I know for a fact his family has gone to christenings, communions, and confirmations for their neighbors.
Well, after 10 years, I no longer want to be involved in their holidays and family functions. In three year's time, when it's my son's turn, I know they'll do the same thing. My husband is in the middle, which I know is hard for him, but I can't bite my tongue anymore. I want to know how to stop hating my husband's family.
Alyssa
Alyssa, what if you kept inviting vegetarians to an all-you-can-eat steak tartare dinner? (That's seasoned raw beef.) Would you really expect them to attend? You knew when you married there was a divide. Your in-laws are of a different faith, and different faiths oppose and contradict one another.
If you don't have a problem going to their religious events, then go. But don't expect or invite them to yours. They find them indigestible. When you were married by a rabbi, you suggested things might work out otherwise. All your in-laws are doing by not coming or giving a gift is affirming "this is not what we want."
When Wayne was in the navy, the rule in the wardroom was no one was allowed to discuss sex, politics, or religion. Perhaps you and your in-laws can put religion in the category of topics which are off-limits. How much healing might be possible between you in just leaving religion out of your relationship?
Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 19, 2004)
Keeping Faith
Please bear with me. I desperately need advice. I dated this girl for a year, and we broke up many times because of religion. We are of two different religions, and she wanted our potential children to be of her faith and only her faith.
To me that seemed a bit unfair. I too want to share in my children's spirituality, and I too want to take them to my church and experience a bit of what I had while growing up. She did not like this idea. She said it would be okay if I took them to my church, but the children could not pray with me or to "my" God.
I tried to explain to her that we are all one and all God's children. I said our children would benefit from what the two religions have to offer. In addition, since we care so deeply for each other, we should respect each other's beliefs.
We never reached an agreement, and three months ago we broke up for good. Last week she invited me to dinner. She told me she dated someone for a month, but it didn't work. I was hurt because the thought of me dating another makes me sick.
One thing led to another, and we were intimate. When we parted she said she will always love me and for me to e-mail when I become engaged so she won't have to wonder "what if." She also said one day she may change her mind and agree with my views about children.
I don't know what to do. Oh, one more thing, prior to dating me she had a four month relationship with a married man twice her age.
Sig
Sig, a person who suggests she feels so strongly about her religious faith needs to date within that faith. But that only partly describes your situation.
Your former girlfriend seems to be inventing the rules as she goes along. Her behavior does not reflect a life lived within religious teachings. It is as if she is trying to add piety to herself by speaking of her religious fervor for children who don't yet exist.
She is also giving you hope for the future in case she cannot find someone else, and because you have been intimate with her, you feel possessive about her. That is why the thought of dating another makes you sick. You also feel fear about the uncertainties of dating again.
Don't let your desire for a relationship blind you to what is happening. Letting her come back to you because she cannot find someone else is in her interest, not yours. She does you a disservice in saying she loves you, because what you are describing is a woman who likes you up to the point where you are not of her religion.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 30, 2003)
Outside Influences
I had many problems at the end of 1999. Personal problems, death in the family…the list goes on and on. I never felt so lonely in all my life. To take myself away from everything, I gave myself a treat and went on holiday. I was overseas for 12 days.
I met a wonderful guy. He was just amazing, and we fell in love. We had a great time, spending each day and each hour laughing and sharing our problems, our hopes, and our dreams. It was amazing that in such a short period of time I could bond with a person and fall so deeply in love. The one important thing we have in common is a strong need to be loved and plenty of love to give.
Obviously the days flew by and parting from him was the hardest thing in my life. I did not realize how attached to him I had become. It’s four days since I am back, and I miss him terribly. I never felt like this before. However, I am having doubts whether I really love him, or did I just need someone to listen to me and love me. I don’t know. My problem continues because we are from different religions, cultures, and lives. If we continue, these problems would face us.
He told me life is a risk, and we should take risks. Fair enough. But when it comes to choosing between your parents and your loved one, it is difficult. He will be visiting Australia soon, and I want so much to see him again. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
Eleanor
Eleanor, after such a stressful year, you were wise to get away and recharge your batteries. You knew what to do then, and you did it. Only you can decide what to do now, but let us mention some things to think about.
First, almost always our first impression, our first feelings, are the best guide we have. Before we consider how other people might react, we know how we feel. We know what we deeply want. Then we have second thoughts. These second thoughts don’t arise from our deepest self, but they may keep us from realizing our deepest desires. A song in the musical “South Pacific” contains the line, “If you never have a dream, you’ll never have a dream come true.” If you never follow your deepest desires, your deepest desires will never be satisfied.
Second, nothing transforms our lives as completely as love. No power compares to it. Nothing else makes our lives so ecstatically worth living, and love won’t fit anyone else’s framework. It will not obey criteria laid down by our parents or our friends or our community. It will be what it will be. It will never be the servant of people outside the relationship.
Third, it is not disrespectful to your parents to fall in love. Your parents don’t have to love this man. It is for you to love him. If they have a bias against him based on externals, that exposes their limitation as human beings. If you let them decide for you, you reinforce a bias which you do not share. If you give them power to make decisions for you, you will grow weaker.
Fourth, we cannot tell you what your feelings are. If it is too much trouble to stand up for someone you love, perhaps it isn’t love after all. Or perhaps you are not ready to love someone yet. But if your parents have often interfered in your life, perhaps that is why you haven’t experienced deep love before.
The only guide we can give you is this. Follow what comes from your deepest self. Perhaps that will bring you together, perhaps that will lead you apart. We don’t know what the answer is. But you do.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 28, 2000)
The Answer Within
I was married for 35 years to the most wonderful man. He was not only my lover but my best friend. He was so good to me. November 23, 2002, he had a massive heart attack and died within seconds. I was in shock for days.
I made a lot of bad choices. I met a man who was nothing like me, but made me laugh. He started doing little things for me and invited me to his house to meet his son. We started seeing each other. On January 17, 2004, we were married, and now it is a disaster. He lives an entirely different life than me, and his friends are nothing like mine.
I am a Christian, and he will not even discuss going to church. We never fight but I am very unhappy. I want out but am not sure that is what God would want. I don't feel we were ever married in the eyes of God. What do you think I should do?
Glenna
Glenna, a Baptist minister from Australia told us a story about a man who was drowning in the ocean. The man prayed aloud for the Lord to save him. Someone in a passing sailboat offered help, but the drowning man refused because he wanted the Lord to save him.
A moment later a large plank floated past, but the man declined to swim to it because he wanted the Lord to save him. Finally, a rescue helicopter dropped a life ring, but the man would not use it because he wanted the Lord to save him. The man drowned.
When he reached heaven, the man asked the Lord why he didn't save him. The Lord said, "Three times I sent you help, but each time you refused because it didn't come in the form you wanted."
We cannot give people spiritual advice. That is not our province. But you know what marriage is supposed to be like, and you know you will never have that with this man. You must decide, in your heart of hearts, if your Lord has already sent you the answer.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of May 17, 2004)
Playing With Fire
I’m from Egypt but now I live in Kuwait. I met a man here who is what we call a sweet talker. He is used to getting any girl he wants. I told him I wouldn’t let myself fall for him because I know I will be hurt in the end.
He respects my request, but still there is something more between us. I try to call it friendship. He says, “Don’t lie to yourself. It’s more than that.” I love being with him and talking with him. He asked me to marry him in a civil ceremony, but I refused.
We are of different religions, and I could not marry outside my religion. Each of us is promised to someone in our home country. I don’t know what to do, but please don’t tell me not to talk to him. He is my only friend here.
Jamila
Jamila, he is a sweet-talking ladies man, you are each linked to another, and you come from different religions. A civil marriage is unacceptable to you. We didn’t make any of this up. It is all in your letter.
You want a solution, but the facts are still the facts. It is as if you are in a dress shop trying on a dress you cannot afford. You can’t pry yourself away from the mirror. You can’t let go of thoughts of “If only…” You look beautiful in that dress, but the longer you keep it on, the harder it will be to take it off.
You want a special discount or a payment plan, or for someone to lend you money. But the fact is you cannot afford this gown. You want us to make it all right, but you need us to tell you it’s all wrong. You need me, or rather Tamara, to get you out of that dress and out of that shop.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of November 6, 2000)
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