A Dubious Admission
Please explain my wife's actions if you can. In 10 years of marriage we overcame many obstacles and roadblocks. Perhaps the largest one was my inability to come clean to my wife when I may have erred. Finally I took the major step forward she pleaded for so long.
Should I not feel anger when she says now it's over and done with? Isn't this a case where the best thing is to let her go and get on with my life?
Lewis
Lewis, you're right. The best thing is to let her go and get on with your life. The saying which fits is "too little, too late."
When you noticed some subtle change in your wife, unconsciously you knew she'd left the relationship emotionally, though she hadn't left physically. Only when she was halfway out the door could you admit you "may" have erred.
You wouldn't change until it came down to your last chance, and you are mad she didn't warn you time was up. But the truth is if she wasn't leaving, you wouldn't consider change. If now she stayed, you'd think change was unnecessary.
If you can't admit you're wrong, if you can't say you're sorry, chances are your life will repeat itself. When we can't admit our mistakes, the same mistakes keep happening.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of July 1, 2002)
Lesson Learned
I was involved with a man separated from his wife. We connected on an extremely emotional level and were in the process of building a future.
His wife left him and their two children to accept a job in another state and to experience a more unencumbered life. Prior to leaving she cheated on him three times and was emotionally and physically unavailable to her children.
Unfortunately I let myself get drawn into his life and his children's lives. I not only fell in love with him but also with the children. I was devastated when he accepted her back with no questions asked, but I accept responsibility for getting involved and for the consequences of my actions.
At the death of a loved one, when her family needed her most, she again abandoned her husband and children. As I predicted. He contacted me to let me know I was right. As much as I hoped that would bring satisfaction, it didn't. It brought only deep sadness.
There is nothing I can do to make him see her for who she is. How do I find peace knowing this cycle of coming and going will continue in his life? I want what is best for all of them. I know walking away is best for me, and I guess I am looking for confirmation from an objective outside source.
Tia
Tia, in A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, three ghosts come to Ebenezer Scrooge and alter the course of his life. For you, the ghost was your companion's wife.
There is a line Scrooge says which we have never forgotten. "Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change.'' That is what the story is about. It is also the story of our lives.
With the holidays approaching, it will be hard for you not to think about what might have been. But with the holidays approaching, his wife may well reappear. Even if she doesn't, her specter will never be far off, and he will be open to her return.
Hard as it is to walk away, it shows you understand the lesson from Dickens' tale. Walking away opens the door to possibilities. It opens the door to your fulfillment and to the promise of the new year.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 9, 2002)
Oldies
I am a captain in the Marine Corps. A year ago my wife cheated on me with another Marine. He lived in an apartment facing ours, which I passed every day on my way to work. She was my girlfriend at the time, and she told me because she felt guilty about it. She said it only happened once.
She said she never talked to the guy again except to tell him to leave her alone. I married her even after I found out because I love her and because I feel everyone deserves a second chance. I hold a lot of anger inside about it, especially since I worked on the same base with him. He left a little while ago for another assignment, and the apartment is empty now.
My question is how do you stop thinking about it? I picture it in my mind like a broken record. I don't want to keep hounding my wife over this. I want to get over it and move on. But I just get kind of sick when I think of his hands on her. I wonder if she will do it again, and I wonder if I am not good enough, especially in bed.
To be honest, I don't know why she cheated other than she was unhappy about money and about moving to a new base. She stated she wanted him from the minute she saw him and he was the best looking man she had ever seen. I am so insecure over this it is unreal. I have never and would never cheat.
Monty
Monty, forty years ago Roy Orbison sang, "It breaks your heart in two, To know she's been untrue." Today Puddle of Mudd sings, "…have to find a way to take the knife out of my back." Forty years from now someone else will be singing the same story, and it will sound like the same old broken record.
Even when you no longer see this man's empty apartment, looking at your wife will be a reminder of what happened. The who, when, and where don't matter. What matters is that no reason she gave you justifies cheating. What matters is that you rewarded the one who caused you pain with a wedding. Now you have made the pain a full-time part of your life.
She gave you a losing ticket, and you gave her the prize. Your anger is simply the other side of the fear she will do it again. You tried to avoid the pain of losing her, but once she was unfaithful, she was already gone. You needed to work through that pain and move on with someone who would be faithful. The title of Roy Orbison's 1964 song, "It's Over," holds your answer.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 5, 2004)
Caste Out
I am a 28-year-old Indian lady. I am in love with a 30-year-old Indian guy for the last four years. We share many interests in common and get along well. We are both Ph.D. students.
The problem is the different communities to which we belong. We have a very complex social system and are allowed to marry only the person who belongs to our own community (caste). He belongs to a higher community than mine.
My boyfriend feels he would never be able to convince his parents for the marriage, nor has he attempted this. He strongly believes he would not be happy if he hurts his parents, so two years ago he asked me to stop contacting him. It was very painful for me, but at the same time I realized I cannot force him into a relationship.
We live in separate towns now. Until two months ago we had absolutely no contact, then he started contacting me. I know from his letters he is frustrated and lonely. Even though I stopped communicating with him, I love him with all my heart and cannot think of life with another man.
I answered his letters, which are mostly about academics, and never asked him why he broke up with me. I haven't discussed my future with him nor he with me. Things look so uncertain I am confused. Should I continue with him or not?
Reeta
Reeta, there are many reasons why people feel they are better than other people. A religious person might say we are full of pride, and our pride makes us want to feel superior. A scientist might say we are primates and primates arrange themselves in dominance hierarchies. But the reasons for social differences don't matter.
What matters is that you are revisiting a round of pain this man caused you two years ago. You are a bright, educated woman worthy of a man's love. Though you may care for him and he may care for you, he is letting something other than love make his choices.
He is not offering you marriage or apologizing for cutting you out of his life two years ago. He is wheedling his way back into your life in the same wheedling way he left it. He is coming back because he is lonesome, not because he is ready to defend you as the woman he loves.
When a person cannot swim, it doesn't mean they can jump in the water two years later unless something has changed. You need to tell him that.
If he hasn't changed, you are indulging yourself in something which can only cause you pain. If you give him a shoulder to cry on, all you are likely to get is a wet shoulder.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 29, 2003)
Facing Your Demons
My fiance and I planned on getting married, but I had a gambling and drinking problem that interfered with our relationship. He pleaded with me to get help and stop, and he gave me several chances over a three month period. We parted six months ago. He was hurt because of my behavior.
I am close to his mother, my family really likes him, and we work in the same office. I am frustrated because he won't even talk to me. I have been going to two different churches and am currently seeing a doctor to try to fix my problems. Because of a few mistakes I made, he said it is over, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Marsha
Marsha, why is it the party in the wrong always asks the innocent party to adjust themselves? Because that is what addicts do. If you really "got it," you wouldn't be asking how to get yet another chance. You would be more concerned with apologizing and making amends for what you have put this man through.
Your outlook is still self-serving, a sign you haven't defeated your addictions. Focus on yourself and curing your addictions.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 30, 2001)
Failed Strategy
In April I cheated on my husband and let him find out. I swore to him it was over and wouldn't happen again, but I've been stringing along the guy I cheated with, telling him I love him and keeping him in the background just in case things didn't get better with my husband.
Well, my husband found out and now wants a divorce. I don't. I can't see myself without him. I am scared this time I will lose him for good.
Angel
Angel, your letter reminds us of the Aesop's fable about the dog carrying a chunk of meat in his mouth. When he looked into the water, he saw another dog with a larger piece of meat. In grabbing for it the dog lost both pieces, the real and the imaginary.
Your backup plan was your undoing. It proved to your husband why second chances are often unwarranted. Do you understand the moral of the story? Greediness can cause us to lose everything.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 11, 2002)
Monkey Business
My husband went on a business trip, and I found a condom in his back pocket. I have been having trust issues with him. Then he goes and does this! Do I need to jump to conclusions? How should I handle this?
Bernice
Bernice, if he took a tennis racket with him, what would you assume? He intended to play tennis. If he took golf clubs, what would you assume? He intended to play golf. Since he took a condom, it sounds like he intended to play around.
There is a difference between evidence of intent and jumping to conclusions. You have evidence. Even before speaking to him, you know there is no reasonable explanation for him taking a condom on a trip you weren't going on.
When you confront him, you are not likely to get an answer which resolves this. So first, you need to think about your options for the future and make plans.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of February 24, 2003)
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