Playing With Fire
I am a stay-at-home mom, 24, married to my husband, 26, for six years. He has a problem chatting with young girls online.
I have "caught" him numerous times, and it's always the same thing. He's sorry and says it's only a game to him, but he continues to do it. He works with a high school program and knows these girls in real life. I've recorded his conversations, and they are very disturbing.
He likes the attention, and for some reason teenage girls are attracted to him, never mind he's 10 years older and married with children. Recently I read a conversation in which he told a girl the only reason he's married is because I got pregnant, which is true. He says we are best friends, and eventually we will "move on" when the time is right.
This was news to me. I confronted him, and he said he only said those things because he knew I was spying on him and wanted me to come forward. I don't believe that. I don't think he knew I read his messages. I believe that is the way he feels.
He tells me constantly he loves me and is never mean in any other way. He says it's an escape for him. In a way I believe it, but I cannot forget what he said about our marriage. If that's how he feels, why does he want to stay?
Jewell
Jewell, when your husband said he wrote something provocative to make you come forward, it's a little like saying he wanted a policeman to come forward so he began to speed. It doesn't hold water.
The question is what is real and what is fantasy. Your husband is playing an escalating game with real people who are too young for him to be playing with. He hasn't stopped because there aren't escalating consequences.
He is casting his net wide, hitting on these girls, waiting for something to happen. He is taking a chance one of them will print out what he says and pass it around. Even more threatening, sooner or later he is going to find the one he cannot resist.
Meanwhile, the young girls get a chance to try out their sexuality on an adult male. For most it will just be practice. For one of them, it is likely to be the real thing. If you don't present him with serious reasons for stopping, that is where his behavior is likely to lead.
Your husband is toying with the pin on a hand grenade. If you can't get him to put it down, you need to get out of the blast zone.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 21, 2002)
Figuring The Odds
One night last week I got a call from my husband who was supposed to be on his way to a concert. He said it was a complicated story, but please just pick him up. He was two hours away, so all the way there I wondered what could be wrong. Did the vehicle break down? Was it something else?
Later, as we drove down the road, he told me he thought about lying, but I deserved to know the truth. He said if he had to spend the rest of his life fixing our relationship, he would. With tears in his eyes, he said he could just puke. I told him I was glad he was okay, just tell me. He didn’t reply. After many guesses I blurted out, “You picked up a prostitute and the cops caught you.” He said, “Yes!”
They busted him before anything happened. He said it was his first time, and he made a terrible decision. As much as I love this man, I want to believe him. We have been married 10 years and have two children.
Two years ago my husband started online relationships for the sole purpose of phone sex. I confronted him, and he apologized for his actions. No more phone sex, no more online chats, he said.
He wanted me to know I wasn’t doing anything wrong. That made sense since we had great sex together. I thought we were on the right track. I don’t know how to deal with this. It is not something I can talk about with anyone close to me. It’s too embarrassing.
Jean
Jean, embarrassment is the least of your worries. If you watch reality television, you know almost every male caught in this act claims it's his "first time." Almost always, that is not true. You need to sit down and calculate the odds.
What are the odds this was his first time? Slim. What are the odds a prostitute is HIV positive, or has other sexually transmitted diseases? Very high. What are the odds he will pass something along to you? Good. What are the odds you can believe him? Poor. His behavior is escalating, and he is not thinking about you or your children.
For your own safety, seek medical attention at once. Don't discuss this with him, just do it. The very act of walking into a doctor's office and being tested for AIDS, changes your relationship. In large part, your options depend on a series of test results. They may give you all the clarity you need.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of October 9, 2000)
Science Fiction
I recently had sex with a girl from work. It was only a bit of fun, and it only happened once, but now she says she is pregnant. I made it quite clear I do not want this baby, but she has not even considered what I have to say. She is keeping the baby.
Now, it's like I have been used in some way. My head is in bits. Is there some way of dealing with this so she cannot come to me in the future asking for money?
Earl
Earl, if H.G Wells' time machine actually existed, you could go back in time and wear a condom while you are having your "bit of fun." That is no less a fantasy than believing you are not financially responsible for your child.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 7, 2004)
Red-handed
A friend of mine and I began having sex a few months ago. This was pretty stupid because he was involved in a serious committed relationship. I socialized with him and his girlfriend many times, and I don't think she suspected a thing.
He told me all the usual lines. When it became clear they were not true, I stopped sleeping with him.
Last night I walked into a buzz saw. I went to their apartment. As soon as I walked in the door, his girlfriend screamed at me. I don't know how she found out. I feel angry and betrayed. I want to apologize to her, but I also feel he owes me an apology. He tricked me, and I can't believe that is right.
Alexis
Alexis, you want him to apologize for what? For being willing to put one over on you, while you were putting one over on his girlfriend?
You knew what you were doing. He knew what he was doing. But you were left out in the cold. That is what you are mad about. Had you acted with character this would never have happened.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 12, 2004)
Game Over
I met this young man while playing an online role-playing game. After months of playing well together the shard was going to shut down. He and I were leaders of our group, so we tested shards together to find another one for our group.
By his mannerisms and maturity, I assumed he was in his 30s at a minimum. He is intelligent, humorous, has sex appeal, the whole package. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We both agreed to meet for the first time in September when my youngest is off to college.
He doesn't care about our age difference and wants to introduce this to his family as painlessly as possible. Any suggestions? He's 18 and I'm 45.
Danelle
Danelle, in the virtual world some people are called grief players. Their play inflicts harm on others. Don't become a grief player in the real world. Aside from the inevitable disillusionment, there's another principle at work here. Adults don't have sex with children.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 17, 2006)
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