Reaching Critical Mass
I’m deeply disturbed about my brother Ed. We’re a family that’s never gotten deeply involved in each other’s problems. We’re close but try not to meddle. However, I think Ed has reached a difficult point.
He’s been married for seven years, and it’s been hard for both of them. Ed has been chasing a business dream that never paid off. He’s the type of guy everyone admires for his intelligence, charm, and creativity, but he frustrates us all because he can never seem to focus.
He’s frustrated too. He’s sought help in the form of therapy and prescriptions, but it doesn’t help. As a family we’re divided on that as a potential solution anyway. In my mind, it’s a shortcut to discovery that isn’t likely to pay off.
Ed can be sentimental and sweet. He can be touchy and temperamental. His wife is a great person, but she is considering a split and has already contacted a lawyer. They have no children. I don’t know if the marriage can be, or should be, saved.
Ed is 38, young by many estimations. So at least there’s that. But he feels too old to start over. When I talk to him, he acts as though everything is fairly okay. I don’t know if I’m a voice he trusts with the feelings and thoughts he’s sure to be having.
The rest of the family and I want to help him get his life together. Where do we begin? We all care for Ed a great deal, and for his wife. We realize there’s a lot on this journey he’ll just have to make on his own. But when you see a person close to you in pain, you feel there must be something you can do to keep his balloon tethered to the ground.
James
James, each of us is on our own journey. All the people who are dear to us—our mother, our brother, our child—are on their own journey as well. Their successes and failures, their life and death, are largely beyond our control.
Your sister-in-law has her own sense of purpose and her own needs. She will make her own decisions. Part of what you feel is grief, because if they divorce, she moves out of the family perhaps forever.
A human being is like an energy field. Our habits and patterns of thought, even the way we hold our body and speak, form lines of force which encircle us. These lines of force are difficult to see, but they are real and limit what each of us is capable of doing. Change is always possible, but never possible without the will to change.
Countless people transformed their lives when they were much older than Ed, but until he is desperate for change, their example won’t help him. If his wife leaves him, it may be the event which finally moves him forward.
You see your brother in pain and want to help. Do what seems right to you, whether that means giving to him or withholding from him. At worst, Ed will remain one who muddles through life living below his potential. At best, his failed dreams will be the catalyst which transforms him. You think Ed is afraid to start over. Actually, he hasn’t yet begun.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 16, 2000)
Unwelcome Advice
I have a single friend and coworker whose recent actions have left my head spinning. I wonder what in the world she is thinking. I want her to reconsider her actions, but first I want your opinion on whether I am being too critical.
This coworker considers herself a Christian and attends church regularly. Her best friend in church is married with two small children. The married friend’s marriage was not doing well, and they ultimately filed for divorce.
At first my friend and coworker ran to the side of her church friend, and proclaimed she would support her every step of the way. Three weeks later, she was dating the church friend’s husband. She went to an Easter egg hunt with the husband and children as if she is the wife.
With the divorce still nowhere near finalized, my coworker is planning to move in with the husband. She is planning a wedding to take place immediately after the divorce becomes final.
I want her to slow down and think how bad this looks. Can you give me something more tactful to say than, “If you pick up someone’s garbage off the roadside, what do you have? Someone’s garbage!”
Dana
Dana, if you want a really thankless job, try talking your friend out of what she is doing. She can’t hear you. She is deafened by the sound of her own wedding bells. How quickly she is proceeding and how this looks aren’t registering on her radar screen.
If you disagree with what she is doing, and feel you can’t socialize with her, then don’t. That will preserve your integrity and openly announce your disapproval.
If you try to intercede, you will be placing yourself between your coworker and what she wants intensely, like a mother between her child and a huge bag of Halloween candy.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 5, 2000)
A Counter Offer
A couple, both of whom are near and dear to me, are in the process of buying a house. The stress has been so dreadful the husband recently walked out on his wife. He was convinced by his parents to return and talk things over with her. They agreed to seek help from a counselor.
That is the problem. They do not know where to go. They finally picked a name out of the phone book and called. He has yet to return their calls.
I feel they are perfect for each other, and it is the stress of home buying that has caused this problem. Your column is the first thing I read on Sunday morning when I open the newspaper. Can you suggest how they could find someone to help sort things out?
Gwyneth
Gwyneth, we understand your concern and love for your friends, and your desire for a happy ending. But all we can do is be honest, and when Tamara and I saw your note, we had the same thought.
Buying a house is stressful. Other people hold up hoops for you to jump through, and the process can seem totally out of control. But when each person feels there is nowhere else they would rather be, and no one else they would rather be with, the difficulties are easily surmounted.
One thing we have noticed is how often buying a house, buying a larger house, or building a dream house is the prelude for divorce. It’s not the event which causes the problem, it’s the event which reveals the problem which was always there.
Individual counseling may clarify what is going on between these friends. Finding the right counselor is trial and error, and where that leads is for them to understand. As Tamara just said, “When you have problems buying a house, you don’t run from your wife, you run from the deal.”
Wayne
(From the column for the week of December 4, 2000)
Parental Consent
I am concerned about a relationship, but it is not my own. My nephew aged 21 is planning to get married this November. While I think he is young, I think the bride to be is far too young at only 17.
My nephew was home-schooled through half of high school, and she was raised on a ranch and home-schooled as well. In other words, she has no real life experience. They have never dated anyone else. To top it off, he is financially irresponsible and currently holds a low paying job, while she has never worked.
Her mother is strongly in support of the marriage and is encouraging it, even though her daughter hasn't finished high school. His entire family is against it. None of us feel either of them know themselves well enough to commit to another, or know enough of the big bad world.
How do I discourage them from getting married so soon, or should I? All of us prefer to see him wait until he has a more sturdy and stable position, or at least an idea where he wants to go in life, before they walk into a marriage they are unprepared for.
On one level I suspect the reason they are in a hurry is because they were both raised in a strict environment and don't believe in premarital sex. That's just conjecture, but I feel if they marry, they'll end up divorced in under four years.
So should I keep my mouth shut, or try to talk them out of getting married?
Bea
Bea, with all the relationship books and counseling available in the US, you might think the recent leveling off of the astronomical divorce rate is due to some new technique or discovery. It isn't.
The evidence seems to show it is linked to one main fact. Couples getting married now are on average about four years older than they were only a few decades ago, and they are about half a dozen years older than this couple. You are right to be concerned.
You are writing from experience, and they are acting from inexperience. It is wise to point out to them what married life requires and mention things they haven't thought about. But if they didn't absorb those lessons growing up, chances are they won't listen to you now.
If your nephew is marrying to finally have sex, he won't tell you. If she is marrying to get out of her parents' house, she won't tell you. If they are marrying because they don't know what to do next with their lives, they won't say that. After the wedding the question is, Will help really help them, or merely prolong a marriage destined to end?
Say what you think is appropriate now, then step aside. Only in hindsight are you likely to be appreciated.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 11, 2003)
The Information Age
My sister and I are very close, and we don't keep things from one another. Recently she shared with me concerns about her sex life, or lack thereof. She feels like there is something wrong with her because her husband is not attracted to her. They have been married 15 years.
A couple of weeks ago I was on the Internet and highlighted my brother-in-law's name to send him an instant message. Well, when I did a box appeared, and it stated where he was online. At first it said he was in a bisexual chat. I logged off my regular signature and signed on to another one and checked to see where he was.
The drop down box said he was now in a gay chat room. I went to the chat room and just watched, and in no time he typed in his age, sex, and location. I was floored! I didn't know what to do.
I waited about half an hour and thought about it. I decided to call him and tell him what I saw and find out what was going on. He denied everything. He said I had the wrong name or that AOL made some kind of mistake. Since then he has blocked me from knowing when he is online.
Now I am stuck. My gut instinct is to keep my mouth shut, because it really is none of my business, but my sister is becoming increasingly open and concerned about her sex life. She has spoken with him several times about it, and he says everything is fine, but nothing changes between them.
I do not want to tell her because it will devastate her, but if she knew I had this information and kept it from her, she would be even more devastated.
Whitney
Whitney, contacting your brother-in-law was the least productive thing you could do. It took the option of silence away from you, and it didn't achieve anything with your brother-in-law. He already knew what he was doing. Now he will take steps to explain away or excuse himself. But the one thing he must wonder is who else knows his secret.
People often end up with information they don't want, but once they have it, they need to act. Your sister has a problem she cannot solve, and you have the piece of the puzzle which can solve her dilemma. Like it or not, you are the one who can shed light on her problem.
If your brother-in-law is meeting strangers for sex, it concerns both your sister's health and her marriage. Tell her. Let her decide what, if anything, she is going to do. Like most of us, your brother-in-law didn't understand the power of technology. A few keystrokes on your computer showed you something which may change all of your lives.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 1, 2003)
A Christmas Wish
My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She has had few friends and her boyfriends have never been good for her. Now she has finally found a man who adores her.
They had an affair nine years back, when he was twice her age and still married. My sister ended the affair, and he separated from his wife. When my sister contacted him this spring, he finalized the divorce and they became a couple. His marriage, which was arranged by his church, was never happy.
His parents and his children are upset he divorced. His children don't want to meet his new girlfriend, and he hasn't dared to tell his parents about her. The other issue is children. She wants; he doesn't. I tell my sister they both know each other's stand on this and neither has the right to impose on the other, but neither of them wants to leave.
My whole family visited them on my sister's last birthday. It felt so nice to see them together and to see my sister get love and warmth at last. But to know at some point they will have a crash landing feels awful. She has a man who loves her, but he is entangled in a constricting family and church. Besides, there is a conflict of dreams between them.
What should I say to my sister? We try to get an equal relationship, but we are in such different circumstances. I am married with two children, a professional with friends and all things that she wants. I cannot possibly tell her, after seeing their cozy home and how they care for each other, that this is another no-go.
Who am I to know? Maybe he will come around, or maybe she will think he is more important than fulfilling her dream of children. Maybe I should just keep my "superior knowledge" to myself.
Noel
Noel, Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" is one of our favorite stories, but this tale is so familiar most of us forget the moral. Even in our old age it is not too late to change. Even in our old age it is not too late to live the life which is our birthright. But we must want to change and then follow through.
In Dickens' tale Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the ghost of his old business partner Jacob Marley. Marley warns Scrooge where the patterns of his life are taking him, and even though Marley wants Scrooge to change, he is powerless to make him change. Scrooge must go through a journey of discovery before he is ready.
You would like to play Jacob Marley for your sister, but even Marley couldn't change Scrooge. Three spirits had to show Scrooge his past, his present, and if he did not change, his dismal future. Until Scrooge made this journey he was not ready.
That is the wisdom of the story. We must examine the past for its lessons, search the present for its patterns, and project where those patterns will lead us in the future. If those patterns lead to sadness, they must be altered to lead us to fulfillment. As Scrooge says, "Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change."
Whether our life is a sad life, an abused life, or simply a flat life, we can use this simple story as a guide to breaking the patterns which lead to bad ends.
You may possess the life you wish for your sister, but you do not have the power to give it to her. She will not change until she is ready. Keep your superior knowledge to yourself. If you wish to do something, give your sister a copy of "A Christmas Carol" and make a silent wish for her happiness.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 22, 2003)
No Higher Ground
I have two friends I recently learned were, or are, in a gay relationship. I say "were or are" because one of them, Tom, is saying the relationship was a mistake and over before it started. The other one, Ray, says he walked away from one aspect of their relationship, but is not willing to give Tom up as a friend. Tom says Ray is "a friend I can't get rid of."
I discovered the relationship by noticing Ray is extremely possessive of Tom. Ray becomes jealous and angry when Tom is with his straight friends. To look at Tom with those straight friends you would never guess in a million years he is gay. Tom has gone to extreme measures to make sure his friends know nothing about Ray.
Ray keeps a picture of Tom on his desk at work, and he is extremely upset if Tom can't meet him for lunch. Tom, on the other hand, panics at the thought of his family finding out about Ray. I am not to mention Ray's name around Tom's friends or family, which makes me feel extremely disloyal to Ray.
Tom truly wants Ray out of his life, but Ray threatens to out Tom to his friends and family if he breaks off their relationship. I care for both of them, and neither of them will seek professional help. What can I do to help them? Or should I just step away from the whole thing?
Phyllis
Phyllis, no one is on the higher moral ground here. Tom wants you to lie and hide his life from people who care about him and think they know him. Ray is trying to blackmail Tom into a relationship.
Both are seeking, or sought, a relationship they are not entitled to. You would like to champion a cause, but neither Tom nor Ray has a cause to champion. Perhaps their collision will induce some truth and reality into each of their lives. Stay out of it.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 22, 2004)
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