Another Man's Wife
For three years I have worked with a woman, and we have been great friends. There were more feelings discussed earlier, but she was betrothed to another and followed through on that commitment.
Since then, she says, although there are fleeting moments of happiness her overall marriage is not happy. She does not get the treatment any woman deserves from a husband, though, I admit my viewpoint is biased.
Since she decided to marry, I have pursued other relationships. All ended in disaster. Each time I fall back on the feelings I have for her, and even now she admits she has feelings for me.
It appears she is afraid to leave her husband and is waiting for yet another hurtful thing from him before making any move. I don't want to take on the appearance of a marriage breaker, but this man is certainly not her other half.
She knows how deep my feelings run, and that I'd wait for her if I knew she would be there in the end. I'm not sure what her intentions are. Will she get fed up and leave him? What do I do, be the passive friend or aggressive pursuer?
Edward
Edward, the comedienne Carol Burnett once played a woman waiting for her married lover to divorce his wife. After each rendezvous, she grows older. Finally he divorces his wife and rushes to her apartment.
As usual she is waiting by the door for him. He thrusts the door open, knocking her through an open window. He looks around, doesn't see her, then rushes out and marries another woman. In the final scene, the man returns to his old lover, expecting to cheat on his new wife with her.
This woman at work enjoys your interest, pursuit, and shared confidences. She enjoys receiving foreplay from you, but she is married to another. You are allowing your life to be held hostage by another man's wife.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 13, 2001)
One For Sherlock Holmes
I was friends with Sally for nearly 10 years. She was my best friend, and I assure you it was a purely platonic relationship. When I married, Sally and my wife became best friends. Sometimes they did things together, sometimes all three of us did things together.
Awhile ago I noticed Sally drifting away from me. She stopped returning my phone calls and e-mails. When I questioned her, she offered flimsy excuses like she was busy or couldn’t reach me. One day I e-mailed my wife at work that I thought Sally was lying to us. Imagine my surprise when I noticed I accidentally sent the e-mail to Sally, not my wife!
I immediately called Sally to explain what I meant, but it was too late. Sally said she would never trust me again because I was obviously talking about her behind her back. That was over a year ago, and we have not spoken since. I tried calling her, but she moved and her number was disconnected. I e-mailed her at work, but I think she deletes the mail without reading it.
I don’t call her workplace because I would not want someone to do that to me. Is there anything I can do? Let me reiterate we were purely platonic friends, and there weren’t any jealousy issues about my wife.
Gerard
Gerard, Sherlock Holmes said, “When you eliminate all other possibilities, what remains, no matter how improbable, is the answer." People don’t move, change phone numbers, and end long-term friendships without reason. Sally loved you. If she said you were talking behind her back, it means she felt the two of you were closer than you and your wife.
Sally is like the person who didn’t get an expected promotion. She thought she could accept the result, but she couldn’t. She had to break all ties. Accept her decision and let her go.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 1, 2000)
Off-Limits
A year ago my best friend got a job working security at a hospital. On his night shifts he asked me to stay in his place to keep his girlfriend company. That was fine. She slept in bed. I took the couch. But the longer this went on, we both realized we had feelings for each other.
We never got physical. The closest we came was when we slept in bed together. I mean slept in the actual sleeping way.
Last week my friend asked me to be his best man. Now I have a front row seat watching my best friend marry the girl I have feelings for. Do I cancel on being best man? How do I stand up and make a speech about how good they are together? The worst thing is they are!
Ethan
Ethan, feel free to toast them in the way you would toast any newly married couple. You hope they make it, but that is completely up to them.
When she is your best friend's wife, avoid being drawn into compromising situations. Anytime she has problems in her marriage or anything intimate to discuss, you are not her "go to" guy. Let their marriage sink or swim on its own without interference from you.
Keep your sight lines open for single, available women.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 24, 2005)
Nothing Personal
I am a happily married 25-year-old female, but I have a problem now. When I married my husband two years ago, he had a female friend who I suspected had feelings for him. My suspicions grew stronger because her reaction to our marriage was mostly hysterical. She refused to meet me even once or befriend me.
She still calls my husband when I am not at home. She seems to want nothing from him, but she is calling, calling, calling. They have little to talk about. He never confides in her, and he never calls her. She calls three times a month just to ask how his life is going.
This is getting on my nerves. I have nothing against this lady, and if she wants to be a family friend, that is fine with me. When I discussed these calls with my husband, he didn’t seem eager to change the situation. It seems to me he is simply indifferent.
On the one hand, I know my husband is a trustworthy and independent person who can handle situations on his own. I do not want to accuse him of anything. Why should he be held accountable for this lady’s strange behavior? He considers her a friend, and she is wise enough not to make any dubious suggestions.
On the other hand, the longer this lasts the more I hate it. I have watched this woman calling our home for two years. Will I have to watch her calling my husband to the end of our lives?
Lindsay
Lindsay, be honest about your feelings. It might be interesting to observe this woman at close range, but you don’t want her as a friend, so don’t act as if you do.
At worst, she is just a phone salesman trying to make a sale. When salesmen call me I speak to them politely. Tamara views these calls as an intrusion. On a good day, she hangs up on them. I won’t tell you what she says on a bad day. It’s just the difference in our natures.
Your husband’s good nature is what you love. Why make an issue of something which is not an issue for him. One of the hardest things to feign is genuine indifference.
Love your husband, be with your husband, trust your husband. He doesn’t need to pay for her improper behavior. When her eye falls on someone else, the calls will end. Until then, all he has to communicate is how much he loves his wife.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of June 12, 2000)
A Conflict Of Interest
I know a wonderful girl who is dating a typical jock, who views her as a trophy girlfriend. In three years he has never told her he loves her. She is wrapped around his finger and is not comfortable even asking where he sees their relationship going. Her closest friends are frustrated by this. They can’t say anything to her.
So here I am. I see her potential and that she is a great girl. I want her to become friends and lovers with me, or anyone else who appreciates her. I want her to see the difference between me and the anchor around her neck. Don’t worry. If she doesn’t come around, I’ll find someone who does.
We are involved in a wedding soon. I will not disrupt the current situation, just try to get to know her better, listen to her, and really talk. Am I right about the way I am approaching this? Is there a gentle way to let a woman know she’s in a dead-end relationship? Should a guy ever try and move in on another’s girl?
Paul
Paul, despite what you say about not interfering, that is exactly what you intend to do.
If you meddle in this situation and cause this woman grief, she will blame you and want nothing to do with you. Until she gains new understanding, she will not change. Even if she left her current boyfriend, she would just find another like him.
Stay out of this. You are not interested in her best interests, you’re interested in your best interests. You want her for yourself.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of June 14, 1999)
One Way Streets
I am 35 and the father of two children who live with me.
Shortly after I divorced, I became involved with a woman I had known for a long time. Erin is the mother of one of my daughter’s friends. Two years ago she told me she was leaving her husband. I was surprised and happy. There was a mutual attraction between us.
This is where the roller coaster ride began. She left her husband, and I asked her out. She said because she didn’t have a separation agreement we could go out with the kids. For basically a year, that is how we did it.
I fell very deeply in love with her. I have never felt so connected to another person in my life. She was guarded in her feelings, but I always felt she loved me, too. I wrote her love letters and bought her presents. Her friends were happy I was in her life after a bad ten year marriage to an alcoholic.
For six months her husband didn’t care. Then he begged, pleaded, and threatened to get her back. I knew she didn’t love him, but the children were the center of her life. This was the card he played. One week before the divorce, she moved back with her husband. The fear of having her children half time was more than she could bear.
There was so much between us, then it was all gone. I came to accept that I had lost her and life would go on, but I really had no interest in other women.
Erin and I talked from time to time, mostly about kid stuff. I knew the leopard wouldn’t change his spots. Not surprisingly, now she’s filing for divorce again.
Once again I am losing sleep at night. Sometimes she acts like she wants to be around me, other times she doesn’t. There is a lot going on in her life right now. I know she feels overwhelmed, and another man is not what she needs.
I love this woman with all my heart, but mostly it has brought me heartache. I know she has feelings for me, and she likes the fact I am so attracted to her.
I want her more than anything. Your advice would mean a lot to me.
Ned
Ned, a relationship is the interplay back and forth between two people. The level and quality of their exchange determines whether they are acquaintance, friend, best friend, lover, or mate.
You say your connection to Erin is stronger than what you have experienced before. This says more about you than about her. You intensely want a relationship. Yet in your own words, you tell us Erin is guarded in her feelings and sometimes doesn’t want you around. You don’t say that she loves you, but that she loves that you love her.
The connection is incomplete. The driving force behind your desire for her is the desire to have someone to share your life with. For this unique relationship, it must be like no other—better, stronger, deeper, higher. Most importantly, it must flow in both directions.
You have made your feelings known, and after all this time, you are still guessing what her feelings are. Her actions don’t confirm your guesses. If you seek to elicit a proclamation of love from her, you will force her into a decision, but a decision is not the same as a connection. Whatever decision she makes will be based on her circumstances, not on her true feelings for you.
You may wait her out and get the decision you want, based on the difficulty of her situation or on your tenacity, but that won’t mean you have the kind of connection that can last a lifetime.
You yearn for someone who has the same intensity of emotion for you that you have for them. Don’t accept anything less.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 21, 1999)
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