No Meeting Of Minds
I’ve been married for four years to a wonderful, fun-loving man with whom I share many things – including a sincere friendship, a passionate sex life, a love of being creative in many ways. I couldn’t be happier in my marriage with him.
The only problem is our differing views on having children. He has a grown child from a previous marriage. I have no children. He is ten years older than I. I would like to try to start a family and he is reluctant. He thinks he is too old to start this again, he knows (he says) the enormous work it takes, and he loves the freedom we have to do what we want when we want.
I believe, though, that his feelings have much more to do with his first marriage. His first wife made motherhood her only focus after their child was born, and my husband felt like the “seed donor.” Their marriage deteriorated so badly that even years after the divorce, his first wife refuses to speak with him.
I knew about his mixed feelings when we married. I hoped time would change this. Though I have absolutely no desire to let this turn into something that breaks us up or causes irreparable damage, I am now occasionally experiencing feelings of resentment. (How can he do this to ME? I’ve always wanted children and HE’S denying me my chance… etc.) I don’t believe, however, that this should be only MY choice – it is ours.
But I’m in a quandary and feel like time is running out as I approach 35.
On top of all this, we are both very fond of children and frequently spend time with friends who have children. We’re always asked if we plan to start having children and when – and people comment about our obvious love for children.
So… help!
Kimberly
Kimberly, in our mind’s eye we picture you and your groom standing at the altar at your wedding. The minister solemnly intones the line, “If anyone knows why this couple cannot be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.” Unlike some old movies, no one comes forward.
But there is one person who knows a reason why the wedding shouldn’t occur. She holds her peace…that person is you.
Your husband was up front with you. He had three reasons he didn’t want to start a family: he felt he was too old, he felt it was too demanding, he didn’t want to give up his freedom. His reasons were based on experience.
And you? You have every right to want children. But if you felt this way before the wedding, either you concealed a material fact in order to get married, or you decided you were going to make this decision regardless of how he felt. It is the ancient complaint of men…after the wedding she changed.
There is no room for compromise on this one. You can’t have half a child, and we can’t give you the words to make him come around to your point of view. Children need to come into this world when they are wanted by both parents with all their heart. They should come from joy and unity. When they come from resentment, conflict, or a terrible compromise, it is an injustice to everyone.
You did yourself a disservice to marry a man who doesn’t want children. Nobody is going to be happy with this, and he may end up losing two wives over the same issue.
You can’t continue on in the same manner, refusing to admit it isn’t what he has done to you, but the position you have put yourself in. Put everything on the table. You need to be totally honest with your husband, and let whatever happens come from honesty. Not from secret agendas, “accidental pregnancy,” or hidden resentments.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 12, 1999)
Parenthood
Recently my wife announced it was time for us to "make a decision about having a baby." This announcement blind-sided me, because I have always been perfectly clear on this matter. I only want kids if they are sautéed correctly.
All my friends and all my relatives know my aversion to children. The reasons behind my feelings are varied, but this has never been a gray area for me. My wife, on the other hand, says that "my future involves having a family," implying in no uncertain terms that she is going to have children with or without me.
This seems to be an irreconcilable situation. What are your thoughts?
Chad
Chad, not everyone makes a good parent. People like you, who recognize this early on, shouldn't have children. You made it perfectly clear before the wedding, and you thought she accepted this fact.
Your wife has a right to have children, but not with a man she knew never wanted to be a parent. Your dark humor expresses the seriousness of your convictions. Since you know you do not want children, it is your responsibility to make sure you don't father a child.
Your wife is right that it is time to make a decision, but the issue is your future together.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 4, 2003)
Going Once, Going Twice…
I am entering a relationship with a man I care very much about. He has two grown children, and I do not have any. At this time in his life he does not want any more, and I understand his reasons. We both agree I should determine if I want children before our relationship gets more serious.
I realize this must be my decision. There are many logical reasons to have or not to have children. How do I really know whether or not I want children?
Lea
Lea, it's almost as if you are at an auction, and someone has bid "One husband." You don't have a husband so the offer sounds pretty good. But you wonder if someone else will bid "One husband and one child." Perhaps someone may even bid "One husband, two children, and an ivy covered cottage." How do you decide?
Only two things are certain. First, the man you care about does not want children. Second, if you decide you want a child after you marry, you will see this man, not yourself, as the problem. This is not to blame you. It is simply the way it happens.
Marriage is a gateway to having children, but by choosing this man your decision will be made for you. That is exactly the opposite of what you may feel after marriage. Some women know they should not have children, and wisely, they never do. Because you are not honestly there on your own, you should not proceed with this man.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 15, 2003)
All The Wrong Reasons
My husband and I are both 35. Four years ago he had a vasectomy so I could get off the pill, but recently I felt I wanted to have a child. Previously we thought we would rather not have one. We made that clear to our families, but we both can be a little wishy-washy, so they weren’t surprised when I announced I suddenly “know” I want a child.
I had my husband convinced I was having a kid with or without him until I went to my annual gynecological appointment. The doctor was great, but she told me the facts. Wanting kids at my age, with diabetes in the family history, obviously puts my health at risk. I have to lose 30 pounds, the reversal is expensive, and there’s a 40 percent chance it won’t take. The risk of miscarriage is also increased.
Needless to say, I was both discouraged and actually relieved because it seemed like it wasn’t worth it. Even though my husband feels he wouldn’t be a good dad, he doesn’t want to lose me. My mom insists I will be a mom one day. I think I even brainwashed myself because I wanted to make her a grandma.
I feel we are being selfish—the “me” generation—for just wanting to have a fun, simple, and easy life. I’m a little worried I will regret any decision I make.
Michelle
Michelle, the Roman poet Lucretius wrote of each successive generation, like runners in a race, handing off the torch of life. But this is a race you are not obliged to run, and there are plenty of people willing to carry the torch.
Some people feel it’s a mistake to bring a child into a world of global warming, overpopulation, and warring factions. Others feel this is the most exciting time ever to be alive. Whatever your feelings, realize that women near the end of their reproductive life typically feel the urge to have a child. It’s a natural phenomenon. This is true even of women who have always known they should not have children.
The world is different for each of us having been here. Each of us leaves a footprint, whether we leave any biological children behind or not. Unless you can think of a positive reason to have a child, perhaps this is a task better left to others.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 18, 2006)
Weighty Issues
I married my husband four months ago. We lived together two years before getting married. At first, he was wonderful. We had grown so close. But since we got married things have changed.
I put on maybe five or ten pounds after we married, but now I'm exercising and watching what I eat. He's been calling me fat and other not-so-nice names. I confronted him, and he got mad saying he was just joking. I am hurt. When we argue he gets mad and tells me to go away. Or he gets quiet, won't talk to me, and sleeps on the couch.
The communication we once had is becoming scarce. I don't know what to do. He wants to start a family, but I'm afraid to bring a child into this world and have the child treated like he treats me. I'm desperate to save this marriage, but it's getting harder and harder.
Melissa
Melissa, the Renaissance political writer Machiavelli was an astute observer of human behavior. He once observed that in the beginning a disease might be easy to cure, but difficult to diagnose. Once the disease has developed, however, it may be easy to diagnose, but difficult to cure.
You are right to be wary about starting a family. If your husband thinks you are fat now, what will he say when you are pregnant? After giving birth you will find it even more difficult to control weight.
Your husband can't reconcile who you are with who he wants you to be. That raises questions about his genuine love for you. You have diagnosed the problem. Unless the problem is cured, it is unwise to start a family.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 7, 2005)
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