Wouldn’t It
I like your approach and just could not resist writing you. I am in a real dilemma. The thing is I know I don’t help myself at all, but just can’t stop myself reoffending, if you get my drift.
Basically six months ago I met this Australian chap via friends, and we hit it off instantly. He pursued me for a date, which we eventually went on, and had the most amazing time…but we ended up in bed, too. To cut a long story short we still see each other from time to time and have some great fun times.
I try to pull away and always have kept my heartstrings intact until now. He acknowledges me and my personality, we are very attracted to each other, and the chemistry is amazing. He is a very, very busy guy always traveling abroad and across the country. I guess you can see the pattern here already.
I saw him last night for the first time in six weeks, and we went out to dinner. Other friends were there, too, and then we ended up back at his place. Again. I was a little sensitive to start with and wanted to talk things through, but being a man he kind of switched subjects after awhile.
Anyway, he dropped me home this morning, and all’s well as usual. He acknowledged via e-mail, “It’s good to see you, Cassie. You’re mad!” Now I’m 50 percent happy and 50 percent sad. Enough. I know I should knock it on the head, but just can’t. I adore him, and he knows that, too. One of his friends says he likes me, but he is a naughty boy and to play it cool. Which I have been, sort of!
Cassie
Cassie, Wayne says it’s a curse, but often when we read a letter, he hears song lyrics in his head. With your letter he heard the Beach Boys singing “Wouldn’t It Be Nice.”
Wouldn’t it be nice if a man slept with you on the first date and wanted to marry you. Wouldn’t it be nice if a man wouldn’t want to sleep with you until you were at least fairly close to the altar. Wouldn’t it be nice if men and women were on the same page sexually.
After spending a night with you, a conceited male might think, I got something nobody else has. But most males will think: I’m not that special, I didn’t whisk her off her feet. In life we are often damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. If I don’t sleep with him, I’ll never see him again, and if I do, he’ll never marry me.
Men have a big head/little head controversy. The little head might want you to be easy, but it’s the big head that’s going to give you the wedding ring. Perhaps it’s no more than the breeding instinct. His instinct says breed; yours says yes, but with conditions. If you want marriage, you need a man’s respect first, and that’s not gotten by sex on the first date. He may have a lot of fun, but he’s not envisioning you as the mother of his son.
Today you are 50 percent happy and 50 percent sad. That’s likely as good as it will get. If you become companions on his terms, in time the preliminaries—dinner, a show, a night out with friends—will be skipped. He will call, and you will rush to meet him at his place.
The song says, wouldn’t it be nice if “we could be married and then we’d be happy.” Yes, that would be nice. But the song’s conclusion is more likely to occur. “You know it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it.” With this man you are assured of living without what you most desire.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 16, 2007)
Mending Her Ways
I've been in numerous relationships, and I'm only 18. That's not the problem. The problem is I want to end it with this guy who's two years younger than me. I don't trust him because, well, we did stuff I now regret, but I can't tell him that. If I say I regret it, I'm afraid he's going to tell everyone at school. It was his first time.
Anyway, I'm going to college next year and don't need a high school sophomore on my tail or on my conscience. I don't know how to end it without him saying, "Oh, you just used me." Or something like that. He promised he wouldn't tell, but he's so immature. I really need your help.
Mandy
Mandy, whether he tells or not is not the issue. Promise or no promise, he likely told someone that night. Whenever you have to extract a promise of secrecy, it's a good sign that is not a person you can trust.
Don't focus on him. Focus on yourself. In what way is your sexual behavior to your advantage? You're only 18, and you are making black marks on your sexual résumé. Realize you made a mistake, and mentally decide you are not going to do anything like this again.
If you truly change, it does two things. For you, it ends a pattern of negative behavior, and for some good man, it will prevent him from being plagued by thoughts of your past. If something is no longer relevant, why should it ever be spoken of?
That's the difference between good therapy and bad therapy. In bad therapy you keep wallowing in your past problems; in good therapy you solve them, learn from them, and move forward in your life.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 24, 2006)
A Failure To Communicate
I have been seeing someone for seven weeks. I have little experience dating, but I am mature and have lots of common sense for someone almost 25. My boyfriend is 30 and experienced. He also insists on paying for everything.
I want to wait to have intercourse with the right person, even if that means waiting until I marry. He understands and respects this, but on two occasions we got pretty intimate and I’m afraid next time we will go too far. He is hard to talk to, and I do not want to always be the one to bring up the subject. I think I was taken by the fact that he asked me out and is a nice guy.
I am torn between being with him and being alone. If I gave myself advice, I’d say forget it, but I’m trying to give him a chance. Relationships are a two way street, and I don’t want to be unfair.
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, you are looking at this relationship as a choice between this man and nothing. That would only be the case if you two were marooned on a desert island.
Even though he knows how you feel about intimacy, you have twice gone farther than you want. If you can’t communicate, it’s time to put on the brakes. If you go too far, you will force yourself to believe he is the right person, even as you know he is not.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of August 7, 2000)
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